OK, I have always wanted to write and I feel its best to start with short stories. I have posted here something I scribbled down when it first struck my mind.... please do leave your comments and yeah I still am and amateur :) , pleeease do remember tht...
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A dance in the rain
Life had cometo a standstill in those very corners of the days that passed by , did not even come to know when it had stopped as I had gone ahead without time to look back ;as ever consumed I was in what I did or in the mad pace to make money …three times I did stop in a melancholy light but even then, unaware I had slipped back into that monotonus routine that today, when I look back into makes me feel ‘dried up’ inside. Which were those three times? One , when I had lost my best friend to suicide… suicide they say , but he was murdered…murdered by that cruel stint of time that never forgives, the devil lives among us and consummates our minds the same way it had convinced him to take his life… he was a happy chap, even when I brooded over my grades at college, he was the light that guided me , made me forget my worries and the fights between my parents at home… look at the rain, have u ever tired dancing in the rain, he used to ask me with that boyish grin of his and as I sat there trying to sort out problems and as the rain rained down titter – tatter splash around us ; he used to do the ‘ moon walk’ , joy rimming on his face as the rain wet his hair and dripped down his clothes.
‘ Hey … can you do that?!’ he used to ask me.
I then snigger at him and he used to smile back but I had loved him as if he were my own brother and everything playful he did, used to bring a smile on my face.
‘ Don’t be too serious in life buddy….’
‘I just don’t want to be a loser in life’, I used to retort back to him
‘Loser? In which way???’
‘In every way….’
‘You can never be a loser … I believe in you , even if you do lose once… god will put those chances in front of you again and again… just that you must be able to recognize and see them’
I used to give him a blank stare…. ‘I hate philosophy.’
And he used to smile back, that same boyish grin.
His death put me in denial …..and for the first time I shouted at my mom as she came to console me as the acceptance of his death from denial to anger was trying to marinate inside me. Why did he do it? He was so happy! And then suddenly I remembered the silence about him for a few days, the lessening of talks…. I had been in a way happy that he was silent as it allowed me to concentrate more on my problems! I was blinded by snobbishness that I did not see his pain…. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most and then I remembered , he did want to talk to me about something… seek my advice and I was too observed in something that I had told him I will speak to him later….I tried not to cry…no I was not going to cry. I felt lonely for the first time in my life. I moved out of my house from my parents even after their constant protests. Till today I do not know the reason behind his suicide…
I forgot time and about life as I struggled to make ends meet and worked part time jobs in a row along with my studies. It helped in a way…it helped me fight from getting covered by a veil of anger and frustration until the day I met her , she who lifted it from me…
The third time I stopped was when she left me… not even a word or a sign, I did not even know it was coming , never knew as I never saw…. I was blinded… by my self indulgence and by my son’s death…. That was the second time…
I remember his little fingers curl around mine the first time, gripping it tight and the sense of protection that washed over me, he is my son !…I remember his little steps, his innocent grin and the way his face used to cringe up when I was not able to make time for him… .. he had that same boyish grin …the same that used to make me smile whatever he said or did anything…and whenever life started getting more tough to go….I never believed in what I saw nor was I an atheist…but I never believed in rebirth…but then somehow seeing him….
‘You are never here, always running around on your business trips, then why is he more attached to you???’
I can still remember my wife asking that with a frown on her face…was she jealous or was she confused? I had a beautiful wife, son and a daughter and money any man can dream of but then still….
I was never able to make time for him, not even when he was breathing his last….when he was run down by some maniac on the road….
I have to speak to you dad, I want you to meet someone, I remember the smile in his voice as it rang over a thousand miles on my phone during our last converstaion… he never complained for the times I was not able to be there for him
I knew I would be a murderer the day I laid eyes on the guy who did this to me…to him…but I never knew who or what he was…they were never able to trace him..
I felt as if I lost a treasure…. I felt a wound reopened… and I walked around indulging myself in more work and letting days pass by me , my wife never spoke to me, I forgot her, I forgot my daughter…. Until one day they both left me without saying a word…
‘I never thought it would make a difference even if we had informed you …’ my wife said…her voice as hard as stone.
‘You never had time…not even when he was there breathing his last…he did not want anyone of us… he wanted to see just you …. You had to be away, if only you had cancelled your trip to stay back for his birthday…’
And she had slammed the phone, not waiting for me to say anything back...
Down the lane, I was informed by mail of my daughters marriage and her pregnancy…she used to write to me regularly… how I forgot her during all those years…. She constantly asked me to come down and visit her… I never did… I do not know why… I did not want to remember it all again… my wife, her accusing look and my own loss of what would have been a perfect family…
And then one fine day, she stopped writing ….. though at first, I took it light…later on,it alarmed me…. Something broke inside of me…. And I wrote back to her… no reply … after much anticipation …, I called up on her cell phone on the number she left me to call her up but which I never touched. No one answered.
I felt something slip inside of me ….
Until two days back when I got a phone call….a lady spoke at the other end, my heart raced up fast….it was a friendly voice, which sounded happy…
‘Dad, its me!!!’
I had stood silent, gripping the phone and not wanting to let go of it ,pushing it against my ears to make sure am hearing it right…
‘Dad…why are you silent?!’
‘Where are you ??’
She was in the city with her husband and kid and my wife…
‘We miss you dad… we are waiting for you …please come and see us…’
‘I … I don’t know ..’ , I fumbled for words…
‘Please daddy, for me…?’
For her… yes, I had never did anything for her, she had been invisible all through out the time she was there with me. And then I remembered the way she used to vainly try to get my attention with her drawings, her self made cards on fathers day which I had given just a single glance ,mumbled a simple ‘ good’ and walked away.
I hated myself that very moment… ‘Where are you?’
She told me and then she added
‘Daddy, I want you to meet someone…’
It was getting cloudy as I got out, so I fetched my umbrella as I walked.
You can never be a loser… I believe in you , even if you do lose once… god will put those chances in front of you again and again… just that you must be able to recognize and see them
I walked along trying to ignore the words that kept constantly ringing in my head… yes this was maybe the last chance that god was giving me…to make up for all the lost time to my daughter..
I was a winner all the way, but a loser when it came to own relationships.. I shook my head and pushed away all the thoughts.
I was greeted at the door by a beautiful lady who was accompanied by a tall, dark handsome guy… my daughter and my son in law. She came and hugged me and cried. My wife stood at the doorway with her son in law, as I came to greet her and tears welled up in her eyes…
‘ I don’t know… I knew this was the right thing to do…we were always empty without you…’
I hugged them both trying hard not to cry.
‘ now daddy, I want you to meet someone really special’ my daughter beamed ‘My son..!’
He was peeping from behind the curtain, big eyes , innocence written all over it.
My heart skipped a beat as my daughter motioned him to come forward . He let go of the curtain and stood there,a short and plumb boy of four and he walked forward, like a doll to his mother before he slowly walked towards me.
I bend down to talk to him
‘Hey there little fellow, do you know who Iam?’
He nodded
I smiled feeling warmth come over me and I felt instant love brimming up for him and suddenly he smiled the same smile, so mistakenly same…
I looked at my daughter and my wife…
‘He resembles our…’ my voice broke off and my wife nodded, a smile on her face as fresh tears popped out of my eyes.
‘Where were you grandpa, we all missed you a lot.’
I wont forget that moment and that day as I felt so many things returned back to me, something that I had lost and never knew how to gain it back…. I took him in my arms and hugged him, not feeling shameful at all for the first time of the tears that kept pouring down my eyes
It started drizzling as the day went forward and as I sat with my grandson on the porch and watching the world outside, for the first time I felt peace creep inside of my heart.
‘Is it ok to play in the rain?’ he asked me, a big question mark hanging on his face.
I looked at him ‘ mom does not allow me…’
‘ you want to play in the rain?’ I asked him grinning
He grinned back as I took his hand and proceeded out of the porch into the garden.
He laughed and jumped with joy as the drizzling rain fell on his face and his laughter joined mine as I felt a heavy load being lifted and taken far- far away as if by miracle. I turned to see my daughter and wife at the door steps looking at us and smiling
You can never be a loser … I believe in you , even if you do lose once… god will put those chances in front of you again and again… just that you must be able to recognize and see them
I was a winner in every other way but a total loser when it came to being there for my loved ones. My friend, my parents, my wife, my daughter, my son…. I wasn’t there in time of crisis for two people I loved the most in my life…my friend and my son..... here iam again with a chance to prove to my loved ones I love them.. my grandson… do I believe in rebirths? I do not know but I know that I feel that mighty presence of someone who had been watching over me all this time…
Life had cometo a standstill in those very corners of the days that passed by , did not even come to know when it had stopped as I had gone ahead without time to look back ;as ever consumed I was in what I did or in the mad pace to make money …three times I did stop in a melancholy light but even then, unaware I had slipped back into that monotonus routine that today, when I look back into makes me feel ‘dried up’ inside. Which were those three times? One , when I had lost my best friend to suicide… suicide they say , but he was murdered…murdered by that cruel stint of time that never forgives, the devil lives among us and consummates our minds the same way it had convinced him to take his life… he was a happy chap, even when I brooded over my grades at college, he was the light that guided me , made me forget my worries and the fights between my parents at home… look at the rain, have u ever tired dancing in the rain, he used to ask me with that boyish grin of his and as I sat there trying to sort out problems and as the rain rained down titter – tatter splash around us ; he used to do the ‘ moon walk’ , joy rimming on his face as the rain wet his hair and dripped down his clothes.
‘ Hey … can you do that?!’ he used to ask me.
I then snigger at him and he used to smile back but I had loved him as if he were my own brother and everything playful he did, used to bring a smile on my face.
‘ Don’t be too serious in life buddy….’
‘I just don’t want to be a loser in life’, I used to retort back to him
‘Loser? In which way???’
‘In every way….’
‘You can never be a loser … I believe in you , even if you do lose once… god will put those chances in front of you again and again… just that you must be able to recognize and see them’
I used to give him a blank stare…. ‘I hate philosophy.’
And he used to smile back, that same boyish grin.
His death put me in denial …..and for the first time I shouted at my mom as she came to console me as the acceptance of his death from denial to anger was trying to marinate inside me. Why did he do it? He was so happy! And then suddenly I remembered the silence about him for a few days, the lessening of talks…. I had been in a way happy that he was silent as it allowed me to concentrate more on my problems! I was blinded by snobbishness that I did not see his pain…. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most and then I remembered , he did want to talk to me about something… seek my advice and I was too observed in something that I had told him I will speak to him later….I tried not to cry…no I was not going to cry. I felt lonely for the first time in my life. I moved out of my house from my parents even after their constant protests. Till today I do not know the reason behind his suicide…
I forgot time and about life as I struggled to make ends meet and worked part time jobs in a row along with my studies. It helped in a way…it helped me fight from getting covered by a veil of anger and frustration until the day I met her , she who lifted it from me…
The third time I stopped was when she left me… not even a word or a sign, I did not even know it was coming , never knew as I never saw…. I was blinded… by my self indulgence and by my son’s death…. That was the second time…
I remember his little fingers curl around mine the first time, gripping it tight and the sense of protection that washed over me, he is my son !…I remember his little steps, his innocent grin and the way his face used to cringe up when I was not able to make time for him… .. he had that same boyish grin …the same that used to make me smile whatever he said or did anything…and whenever life started getting more tough to go….I never believed in what I saw nor was I an atheist…but I never believed in rebirth…but then somehow seeing him….
‘You are never here, always running around on your business trips, then why is he more attached to you???’
I can still remember my wife asking that with a frown on her face…was she jealous or was she confused? I had a beautiful wife, son and a daughter and money any man can dream of but then still….
I was never able to make time for him, not even when he was breathing his last….when he was run down by some maniac on the road….
I have to speak to you dad, I want you to meet someone, I remember the smile in his voice as it rang over a thousand miles on my phone during our last converstaion… he never complained for the times I was not able to be there for him
I knew I would be a murderer the day I laid eyes on the guy who did this to me…to him…but I never knew who or what he was…they were never able to trace him..
I felt as if I lost a treasure…. I felt a wound reopened… and I walked around indulging myself in more work and letting days pass by me , my wife never spoke to me, I forgot her, I forgot my daughter…. Until one day they both left me without saying a word…
‘I never thought it would make a difference even if we had informed you …’ my wife said…her voice as hard as stone.
‘You never had time…not even when he was there breathing his last…he did not want anyone of us… he wanted to see just you …. You had to be away, if only you had cancelled your trip to stay back for his birthday…’
And she had slammed the phone, not waiting for me to say anything back...
Down the lane, I was informed by mail of my daughters marriage and her pregnancy…she used to write to me regularly… how I forgot her during all those years…. She constantly asked me to come down and visit her… I never did… I do not know why… I did not want to remember it all again… my wife, her accusing look and my own loss of what would have been a perfect family…
And then one fine day, she stopped writing ….. though at first, I took it light…later on,it alarmed me…. Something broke inside of me…. And I wrote back to her… no reply … after much anticipation …, I called up on her cell phone on the number she left me to call her up but which I never touched. No one answered.
I felt something slip inside of me ….
Until two days back when I got a phone call….a lady spoke at the other end, my heart raced up fast….it was a friendly voice, which sounded happy…
‘Dad, its me!!!’
I had stood silent, gripping the phone and not wanting to let go of it ,pushing it against my ears to make sure am hearing it right…
‘Dad…why are you silent?!’
‘Where are you ??’
She was in the city with her husband and kid and my wife…
‘We miss you dad… we are waiting for you …please come and see us…’
‘I … I don’t know ..’ , I fumbled for words…
‘Please daddy, for me…?’
For her… yes, I had never did anything for her, she had been invisible all through out the time she was there with me. And then I remembered the way she used to vainly try to get my attention with her drawings, her self made cards on fathers day which I had given just a single glance ,mumbled a simple ‘ good’ and walked away.
I hated myself that very moment… ‘Where are you?’
She told me and then she added
‘Daddy, I want you to meet someone…’
It was getting cloudy as I got out, so I fetched my umbrella as I walked.
You can never be a loser… I believe in you , even if you do lose once… god will put those chances in front of you again and again… just that you must be able to recognize and see them
I walked along trying to ignore the words that kept constantly ringing in my head… yes this was maybe the last chance that god was giving me…to make up for all the lost time to my daughter..
I was a winner all the way, but a loser when it came to own relationships.. I shook my head and pushed away all the thoughts.
I was greeted at the door by a beautiful lady who was accompanied by a tall, dark handsome guy… my daughter and my son in law. She came and hugged me and cried. My wife stood at the doorway with her son in law, as I came to greet her and tears welled up in her eyes…
‘ I don’t know… I knew this was the right thing to do…we were always empty without you…’
I hugged them both trying hard not to cry.
‘ now daddy, I want you to meet someone really special’ my daughter beamed ‘My son..!’
He was peeping from behind the curtain, big eyes , innocence written all over it.
My heart skipped a beat as my daughter motioned him to come forward . He let go of the curtain and stood there,a short and plumb boy of four and he walked forward, like a doll to his mother before he slowly walked towards me.
I bend down to talk to him
‘Hey there little fellow, do you know who Iam?’
He nodded
I smiled feeling warmth come over me and I felt instant love brimming up for him and suddenly he smiled the same smile, so mistakenly same…
I looked at my daughter and my wife…
‘He resembles our…’ my voice broke off and my wife nodded, a smile on her face as fresh tears popped out of my eyes.
‘Where were you grandpa, we all missed you a lot.’
I wont forget that moment and that day as I felt so many things returned back to me, something that I had lost and never knew how to gain it back…. I took him in my arms and hugged him, not feeling shameful at all for the first time of the tears that kept pouring down my eyes
It started drizzling as the day went forward and as I sat with my grandson on the porch and watching the world outside, for the first time I felt peace creep inside of my heart.
‘Is it ok to play in the rain?’ he asked me, a big question mark hanging on his face.
I looked at him ‘ mom does not allow me…’
‘ you want to play in the rain?’ I asked him grinning
He grinned back as I took his hand and proceeded out of the porch into the garden.
He laughed and jumped with joy as the drizzling rain fell on his face and his laughter joined mine as I felt a heavy load being lifted and taken far- far away as if by miracle. I turned to see my daughter and wife at the door steps looking at us and smiling
You can never be a loser … I believe in you , even if you do lose once… god will put those chances in front of you again and again… just that you must be able to recognize and see them
I was a winner in every other way but a total loser when it came to being there for my loved ones. My friend, my parents, my wife, my daughter, my son…. I wasn’t there in time of crisis for two people I loved the most in my life…my friend and my son..... here iam again with a chance to prove to my loved ones I love them.. my grandson… do I believe in rebirths? I do not know but I know that I feel that mighty presence of someone who had been watching over me all this time…
1 comment:
Well written article.
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