The following is somethign I read somewhere and is not something I have written but then I feel the below is really really true....
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin!
As time has passed,I have realised that life is too short and nothing in it is everlasting, other than your relationship with one mighty power that holds this universe together the one from which we have taken birth and the one into which we will eventually dissolve... till then I will have no other option that to wait and go on no matter how many times my heart is broken or my soul crushes under the burden of emotions ....
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Monday, March 10, 2008
I wonder how many of us really understand this
_Enjoy_your_life_today_Because.jpg)
And if we cant follow it, i wonder what is it that stops us..
Friday, March 07, 2008
Thursday, March 06, 2008
My next story!! I couldnt get a suitable title.
I hated my stepfather.
There was no particular reason.
I was closer to my dad than to my mom. He was more of my friend than a father and we used to spend time talking to each other, playing games both indoor and outdoor in which even my mom joined .We were a small, happy family and things had toppled over
in a day ,without a warning, without a clue and his death left me lonely as more than a father, I lost a friend.
I could not accept the fact that my father was no more and that my mother remarried and I went on for months without talking to her. According to me, now, she was a selfish person who cared just about her own well being.
Her constant attempts to patch up with me did not work as I made it harder for her to live with me in the house. As days passed, conversations remained to just basic stuffs and the moment ‘he’ entered the room, I used to walk off.
To top it all, I carried this unusual idea in my head that step fathers are out to molest their step daughters and just for that reason, I carried a kind of fright inside of me whenever I was alone in the house with him and if by any chance he even brushed past me, I used to glare at him angrily. It had happened to a close friend of mine and I remember the first time she confided it to me about how her step father treated her.
It put me in a daze as that was the first time I was getting the taste of the harsh world outside. I can never even imagine a father doing that be it your own father or step father. She had later moved out of town and ever since then there was no news about her even though she promised to keep in touch.
My best friend used to laugh at me whenever I said this to him.
‘You are crazy girl! Pure crazy gal of 17!’
He was a half geek, with black rimmed round spectacles which he never took off. I used to think , he even slept with them on; and a friendly smile and friendly he was to everyone around him .Infact I cannot say he was just ‘my’ best friend, he was everyone’s best friend.
'Crazy or not, I always trust my instinct! '
'Instinct? Do you have one? He seems to be a nice guy. Looks like a loving father!You have been reading quite a lot of nasty stuff I feel!! '
And I never could make out if he said that sarcastically or if he meant it.
Neither did I want to know. I had carved myself a niche and was living in the same with peace. I did not want to break it open and get out. I was still scared of him.
Of him and an other total stranger. He used to sit on one of the wooden benches on the lane leading from the school .An old guy of about sixty, unshaven, unclean and shabbily dressed with a lost look lingering on his eyes.
And those same eyes used to follow me as I passed by him along with my friends. I used to hate him that very instant. Cant take his eyes off a girl!- I used to think as loathe filled inside of me.
‘ He looks like a beggar!’ I once told my friend as we both sat trying to solve a puzzle from one of those flashy books full of puzzles that was gifted to him by his uncle. He loved solving puzzles and being with him, the same interest grew into me too ,kind of like an infection.
‘ Who? Your step father??’,he asked without looking up.
‘ That guy who we see outside school everyday!’
He still did not look up.
‘ I do not know why he looks at me that way .I hate him.I wonder what he thinks while looking at me like that..!’
He now looked up with a blank stare ‘ Can you explain to me why you feel as if all the old men out there are lusting on you?!’
He shook his head unbelievingly and he had a funny look on his face
‘ I never said that!’
‘ Oh you sure do act like that!’, I thought he sounded angry.
‘ Why should you get angry at me for that?!’ , I sounded angry now.
‘Am not angry, I am just concerned.’
‘Concern doesn’t sound angry!’ I retorted back.
‘Am not angry , I swear!’
‘oh yes you are’, I grew more angry and I did not know why . I took my bag and walked out of the room, slamming it hard behind me and leaving him looking after me with disbelief.
I even marched past his mom , stomp – stomp – stomp and slammed the main door behind me again. Bang!! I wonder what impression has that left upon her.
Once outside, I walked grumpily , muttering things to myself , I even scorned and tried to frighten a cute little baby that was staring at me confused if it should smile .It started crying- I felt like Uncle Scrooge. I thought of going to the school library and I proceeded that way. I reached the empty lane that lead to our school grounds, both its sides lined with trees and bushes . It was the start of autumn and it looked beautiful .It was a burst of many colours and for some reason it stood out ,making me notice it, the mature yellows, the raw green and the very beautiful reds all merging into each other ….
I looked around me and after making sure no one was there, I started screaming- a small outlet of my anger. It was a small scream, small but intense and I saw some birds fly out in a startled manner – startled by my scream?Could be.
I sat down on one of the benches and tried to sort out my thoughts, the evening was peeping in and it must have been around quarter to 4 when suddenly I felt someone’s hand on my shoulder. I got up startled and turned around to see the stranger behind me. For a moment I wondered where did he pop out from and slowly it marinated into anger and then fright!
He said a feeble ‘hi’ to me
‘ how dare you touch me!!’, I screamed at him. ‘ how dare you’ , I felt anger and fright fill up inside me .
‘No…I ’
‘ Get lost you filthy old man! Get lost before I call the cops!’ I screamed like a mad girl breaking his sentence and not allowing him to speak as he took two steps towards me. For a moment I think I saw pain in his eyes but before he could say anything more, I started running .I ran away from there and towards my house and something flashed across my mind. My mom wanted to speak to me other day and I had denied to do so as I thought I knew what exactly is it that she wanted to talk to me about. The usual ‘ why are you like this’ questions and about how I must try to love my step father the way I had loved my own father.
I was in the kitchen with her having my lunch when she said she needs to talk to me about something serious.
Before she could say anything I told her ‘ I cannot love anyone the way I loved my father!! Not even you !’, I knew my voice was louder than normal and there was a look of disbelief on her face.
‘Would you at least allow me to speak first before you say something dear?.’ she said
‘ I cant understand how easy its for you to forget Dad and live with someone else! He was different and no one can take his place for me! And I have always been uncomfortable even with you after you married again!! There is no use trying to convince me mom! It is not going to work out!’ I continued without heeding to what she was trying to tell me.
And that’s when she broke into tears completely taking me by surprise.
She was always so strong in front of me whenever I lost my temper or threw tantrums like she understood my being not able to accept her marriage or my new father but cry- that was the first time and it hurt me too and I tried to deny it .
I turned and walked out to see him standing by the main door , the conversation seemed to have stopped him as he entered the house . He looked at me as I walked to my room and slammed the door. I was hurt inside , hurt for being so rude and the same carried on within me the next day ,when I picked up the fight with my friend and all this ran through my head as I ran breathlessly to my house.
When I reached , I hesitated, I started getting this premonition of something bad to happen. Maybe it was the negative attracting more negative as it was happening since morning, the fight, the old man and now something tugging at my heart and wanting to make me cry as I was about to enter home.
My stepfather was seated on the couch and he looked as if he were waiting for me.
I walked past him and was about to enter my room when he called my name. I was expecting it- premonition again. I turned to look at him . He had a grave look on his face and he seemed unsure of what to tell me.
‘What is it?’, I tried to sound brave.
‘I need to talk to you. If we could sit down..’ there was a hesitancy in his voice.
‘Where is mom?!’ I asked him before he could finish his sentence.
‘She will be back soon.’
‘Oh, Ok , I get it, she has asked YOU to speak to me now , right?’, I said that as I felt a small panic fill inside me at the knowledge my mom was not in the house.
He shook his head ‘ You are thinking too much ..’
I stared at him not saying a word and was about to turn and go back into my room again
‘Your mom is sick’ he said it behind me and it felt like someone else’s voice, like it was not natural.
I turned to look at him ‘ What’s wrong?’, there was no emotion whatsoever in my voice . I tried to make it sound casual – a cold, a fever?
‘ Its something really bad . Am afraid… cancer’
I did not say anything. He waited to see a response and then continued unsure ‘ The doctor’s don’t have … much hope that …’ he stopped to look at me as his voice cracked. I felt pure pain in it.
I kept staring at him
He continued ‘ that… she would live long’
I stood there for a moment as if I did not hear what he said. Suddenly I felt I was in some nightmare and this was not happening to me. I felt as if my ears had shut up and I could hear a constant whining ‘zzzzzzzz’ on my ears.
I looked at him ‘ I hate you…’. He moved towards me
‘ no, please don’t come near me’ I told him as I crept backwards to a corner and stood there.
‘you are lying…you are a liar’, I tried to scream at him but instead it came out in a feeble voice.
He shook his head again .
It couldn’t be happening to me. First my dad… now my mom. I wanted to laugh. Laugh at the games life was throwing in front of me and challenging me and then I felt my feet give away as I slipped down crying.
My mom had gone to the hospital to meet up with her doctor. She wanted to tell me about this that day in the kitchen which I had not allowed her to do so, the frustration and tension of which had made her cry.She cried at the thought of how far we had grown apart from each other and about the thought of me being all alone when she was gone.
My stepfather explained all this to me as I sat huddled up in the corner of the couch, sobbing as he made me drink something hot.As he talked, trying to keep the pain out of his voice, for the first time, I saw something in his eyes that I never saw before, compassion, kindness . He wanted to reach out to me so badly just like my mother.
‘ I know you can never see me the same way like how you saw your dad…. But I want you to know, that I have never seen you as a step- daughter. For me, you were always my daughter and I love you and your mother with all my heart.’
A tear slipped down my eyes
‘ I know you hate me… but am willing to do anything to make you feel at ease with me. I don’t want you to think you only have a mother. I want you to realize that you have a father too…’ he said it slowly and with so much sincerity in his voice that made me cry all the more. He did not have to do this for a person like me…so hard to please, so annoying..so…
That evening went off in a haze .Mom returned and I had gone to meet her in her room.
She looked weak and in pain. I held her tight for the first time in years and told her that I love her.I did love her. Just that , I was late to realize it…. and as I sat there with her holding her , I felt the weight that was pushing itself on me for the past two days lift itself up and melt away.
I called up my friend the next day and he sensed then and there that something was wrong.I told him as I tried to sound brave but my voice cracked and I wept.
I did not go to school for the next many days as I remained with my mom and slowly my resistance towards my step dad started giving way. I tried to make her happy in every possible way I can. Suddenly everything else in the world seemed less important .
The day I went to school again , I looked out for someone. I did not see him. I must have scared him off that day. I got out late from school and as I got out, I saw him sitting there . I hesitated and slowly went and sat beside him. He looked at me and smiled, his eyes brightened up for the first time.
‘ I am sorry about the other day…its just that ..’
‘Its very nice of you to come and speak to me lady. I thought you were scared of me…’ he said in a weak voice
‘Why do you keep staring at me everytime you see me?’ I asked him just like that. After learning about my mother, nothing else mattered to me, not even speaking to a stranger on the road.
He looked at me and looked down ‘ you remind me of my daugher’ he said .
I looked at him unable to say anything.
‘ She looked just like you at your age. I miss her so much ..’ he did not say anything more.
His daughter had gone missing when she was of my age 15 years back and till today he doesn’t know where she is. He was very close to her the way my father was to me .His wife is no more and his business ran into a loss and he lives in a small house near to our school doing small time jobs to keep himself going.
‘ Its whenever I come here and see you , that I feel happy , I feel like am seeing my daughter again’ he said and smiled ‘ though I did wish you spoke to me!’
I smiled back at him overcome by a feeling that I could not explain.
I sat there for a long time after he left ,thinking about him and my step dad. Suddenly things had toppled over again , but now, everything fell in place as I saw the correct picture. I felt the silence around me as everyone had left with just a few far away noises of someone laughing . I got up slowly and walked home.
I met my friend the next day as I walked to the library.
‘ Hey, how are things at home’ he asked with concern
‘ Things are better’
‘ I saw you talking to that old guy yesterday!’
‘You were right, I was thinking too much. I was wrong in misjudging others .’ I said with a smile
He grinned back at me mischievously
‘And your step dad? what about him?’
I looked at him, ‘ Not my step dad … my dad is doing fine’ I said to him as he looked at me with a big smile on his face and gave me a big hug.
There was no particular reason.
I was closer to my dad than to my mom. He was more of my friend than a father and we used to spend time talking to each other, playing games both indoor and outdoor in which even my mom joined .We were a small, happy family and things had toppled over
in a day ,without a warning, without a clue and his death left me lonely as more than a father, I lost a friend.I could not accept the fact that my father was no more and that my mother remarried and I went on for months without talking to her. According to me, now, she was a selfish person who cared just about her own well being.
Her constant attempts to patch up with me did not work as I made it harder for her to live with me in the house. As days passed, conversations remained to just basic stuffs and the moment ‘he’ entered the room, I used to walk off.
To top it all, I carried this unusual idea in my head that step fathers are out to molest their step daughters and just for that reason, I carried a kind of fright inside of me whenever I was alone in the house with him and if by any chance he even brushed past me, I used to glare at him angrily. It had happened to a close friend of mine and I remember the first time she confided it to me about how her step father treated her.
It put me in a daze as that was the first time I was getting the taste of the harsh world outside. I can never even imagine a father doing that be it your own father or step father. She had later moved out of town and ever since then there was no news about her even though she promised to keep in touch.
My best friend used to laugh at me whenever I said this to him.
‘You are crazy girl! Pure crazy gal of 17!’
He was a half geek, with black rimmed round spectacles which he never took off. I used to think , he even slept with them on; and a friendly smile and friendly he was to everyone around him .Infact I cannot say he was just ‘my’ best friend, he was everyone’s best friend.
'Crazy or not, I always trust my instinct! '
'Instinct? Do you have one? He seems to be a nice guy. Looks like a loving father!You have been reading quite a lot of nasty stuff I feel!! '
And I never could make out if he said that sarcastically or if he meant it.
Neither did I want to know. I had carved myself a niche and was living in the same with peace. I did not want to break it open and get out. I was still scared of him.
Of him and an other total stranger. He used to sit on one of the wooden benches on the lane leading from the school .An old guy of about sixty, unshaven, unclean and shabbily dressed with a lost look lingering on his eyes.
And those same eyes used to follow me as I passed by him along with my friends. I used to hate him that very instant. Cant take his eyes off a girl!- I used to think as loathe filled inside of me.
‘ He looks like a beggar!’ I once told my friend as we both sat trying to solve a puzzle from one of those flashy books full of puzzles that was gifted to him by his uncle. He loved solving puzzles and being with him, the same interest grew into me too ,kind of like an infection.
‘ Who? Your step father??’,he asked without looking up.
‘ That guy who we see outside school everyday!’
He still did not look up.
‘ I do not know why he looks at me that way .I hate him.I wonder what he thinks while looking at me like that..!’
He now looked up with a blank stare ‘ Can you explain to me why you feel as if all the old men out there are lusting on you?!’
He shook his head unbelievingly and he had a funny look on his face
‘ I never said that!’
‘ Oh you sure do act like that!’, I thought he sounded angry.
‘ Why should you get angry at me for that?!’ , I sounded angry now.
‘Am not angry, I am just concerned.’
‘Concern doesn’t sound angry!’ I retorted back.
‘Am not angry , I swear!’
‘oh yes you are’, I grew more angry and I did not know why . I took my bag and walked out of the room, slamming it hard behind me and leaving him looking after me with disbelief.
I even marched past his mom , stomp – stomp – stomp and slammed the main door behind me again. Bang!! I wonder what impression has that left upon her.
Once outside, I walked grumpily , muttering things to myself , I even scorned and tried to frighten a cute little baby that was staring at me confused if it should smile .It started crying- I felt like Uncle Scrooge. I thought of going to the school library and I proceeded that way. I reached the empty lane that lead to our school grounds, both its sides lined with trees and bushes . It was the start of autumn and it looked beautiful .It was a burst of many colours and for some reason it stood out ,making me notice it, the mature yellows, the raw green and the very beautiful reds all merging into each other ….
I looked around me and after making sure no one was there, I started screaming- a small outlet of my anger. It was a small scream, small but intense and I saw some birds fly out in a startled manner – startled by my scream?Could be.
I sat down on one of the benches and tried to sort out my thoughts, the evening was peeping in and it must have been around quarter to 4 when suddenly I felt someone’s hand on my shoulder. I got up startled and turned around to see the stranger behind me. For a moment I wondered where did he pop out from and slowly it marinated into anger and then fright!
He said a feeble ‘hi’ to me
‘ how dare you touch me!!’, I screamed at him. ‘ how dare you’ , I felt anger and fright fill up inside me .
‘No…I ’
‘ Get lost you filthy old man! Get lost before I call the cops!’ I screamed like a mad girl breaking his sentence and not allowing him to speak as he took two steps towards me. For a moment I think I saw pain in his eyes but before he could say anything more, I started running .I ran away from there and towards my house and something flashed across my mind. My mom wanted to speak to me other day and I had denied to do so as I thought I knew what exactly is it that she wanted to talk to me about. The usual ‘ why are you like this’ questions and about how I must try to love my step father the way I had loved my own father.
I was in the kitchen with her having my lunch when she said she needs to talk to me about something serious.
Before she could say anything I told her ‘ I cannot love anyone the way I loved my father!! Not even you !’, I knew my voice was louder than normal and there was a look of disbelief on her face.
‘Would you at least allow me to speak first before you say something dear?.’ she said
‘ I cant understand how easy its for you to forget Dad and live with someone else! He was different and no one can take his place for me! And I have always been uncomfortable even with you after you married again!! There is no use trying to convince me mom! It is not going to work out!’ I continued without heeding to what she was trying to tell me.
And that’s when she broke into tears completely taking me by surprise.
She was always so strong in front of me whenever I lost my temper or threw tantrums like she understood my being not able to accept her marriage or my new father but cry- that was the first time and it hurt me too and I tried to deny it .
I turned and walked out to see him standing by the main door , the conversation seemed to have stopped him as he entered the house . He looked at me as I walked to my room and slammed the door. I was hurt inside , hurt for being so rude and the same carried on within me the next day ,when I picked up the fight with my friend and all this ran through my head as I ran breathlessly to my house.
When I reached , I hesitated, I started getting this premonition of something bad to happen. Maybe it was the negative attracting more negative as it was happening since morning, the fight, the old man and now something tugging at my heart and wanting to make me cry as I was about to enter home.
My stepfather was seated on the couch and he looked as if he were waiting for me.
I walked past him and was about to enter my room when he called my name. I was expecting it- premonition again. I turned to look at him . He had a grave look on his face and he seemed unsure of what to tell me.
‘What is it?’, I tried to sound brave.
‘I need to talk to you. If we could sit down..’ there was a hesitancy in his voice.
‘Where is mom?!’ I asked him before he could finish his sentence.
‘She will be back soon.’
‘Oh, Ok , I get it, she has asked YOU to speak to me now , right?’, I said that as I felt a small panic fill inside me at the knowledge my mom was not in the house.
He shook his head ‘ You are thinking too much ..’
I stared at him not saying a word and was about to turn and go back into my room again
‘Your mom is sick’ he said it behind me and it felt like someone else’s voice, like it was not natural.
I turned to look at him ‘ What’s wrong?’, there was no emotion whatsoever in my voice . I tried to make it sound casual – a cold, a fever?
‘ Its something really bad . Am afraid… cancer’
I did not say anything. He waited to see a response and then continued unsure ‘ The doctor’s don’t have … much hope that …’ he stopped to look at me as his voice cracked. I felt pure pain in it.
I kept staring at him
He continued ‘ that… she would live long’
I stood there for a moment as if I did not hear what he said. Suddenly I felt I was in some nightmare and this was not happening to me. I felt as if my ears had shut up and I could hear a constant whining ‘zzzzzzzz’ on my ears.
I looked at him ‘ I hate you…’. He moved towards me
‘ no, please don’t come near me’ I told him as I crept backwards to a corner and stood there.
‘you are lying…you are a liar’, I tried to scream at him but instead it came out in a feeble voice.
He shook his head again .
It couldn’t be happening to me. First my dad… now my mom. I wanted to laugh. Laugh at the games life was throwing in front of me and challenging me and then I felt my feet give away as I slipped down crying.
My mom had gone to the hospital to meet up with her doctor. She wanted to tell me about this that day in the kitchen which I had not allowed her to do so, the frustration and tension of which had made her cry.She cried at the thought of how far we had grown apart from each other and about the thought of me being all alone when she was gone.
My stepfather explained all this to me as I sat huddled up in the corner of the couch, sobbing as he made me drink something hot.As he talked, trying to keep the pain out of his voice, for the first time, I saw something in his eyes that I never saw before, compassion, kindness . He wanted to reach out to me so badly just like my mother.
‘ I know you can never see me the same way like how you saw your dad…. But I want you to know, that I have never seen you as a step- daughter. For me, you were always my daughter and I love you and your mother with all my heart.’
A tear slipped down my eyes
‘ I know you hate me… but am willing to do anything to make you feel at ease with me. I don’t want you to think you only have a mother. I want you to realize that you have a father too…’ he said it slowly and with so much sincerity in his voice that made me cry all the more. He did not have to do this for a person like me…so hard to please, so annoying..so…
That evening went off in a haze .Mom returned and I had gone to meet her in her room.
She looked weak and in pain. I held her tight for the first time in years and told her that I love her.I did love her. Just that , I was late to realize it…. and as I sat there with her holding her , I felt the weight that was pushing itself on me for the past two days lift itself up and melt away.
I called up my friend the next day and he sensed then and there that something was wrong.I told him as I tried to sound brave but my voice cracked and I wept.
I did not go to school for the next many days as I remained with my mom and slowly my resistance towards my step dad started giving way. I tried to make her happy in every possible way I can. Suddenly everything else in the world seemed less important .
The day I went to school again , I looked out for someone. I did not see him. I must have scared him off that day. I got out late from school and as I got out, I saw him sitting there . I hesitated and slowly went and sat beside him. He looked at me and smiled, his eyes brightened up for the first time.
‘ I am sorry about the other day…its just that ..’
‘Its very nice of you to come and speak to me lady. I thought you were scared of me…’ he said in a weak voice
‘Why do you keep staring at me everytime you see me?’ I asked him just like that. After learning about my mother, nothing else mattered to me, not even speaking to a stranger on the road.
He looked at me and looked down ‘ you remind me of my daugher’ he said .
I looked at him unable to say anything.
‘ She looked just like you at your age. I miss her so much ..’ he did not say anything more.
His daughter had gone missing when she was of my age 15 years back and till today he doesn’t know where she is. He was very close to her the way my father was to me .His wife is no more and his business ran into a loss and he lives in a small house near to our school doing small time jobs to keep himself going.
‘ Its whenever I come here and see you , that I feel happy , I feel like am seeing my daughter again’ he said and smiled ‘ though I did wish you spoke to me!’
I smiled back at him overcome by a feeling that I could not explain.
I sat there for a long time after he left ,thinking about him and my step dad. Suddenly things had toppled over again , but now, everything fell in place as I saw the correct picture. I felt the silence around me as everyone had left with just a few far away noises of someone laughing . I got up slowly and walked home.
I met my friend the next day as I walked to the library.
‘ Hey, how are things at home’ he asked with concern
‘ Things are better’
‘ I saw you talking to that old guy yesterday!’
‘You were right, I was thinking too much. I was wrong in misjudging others .’ I said with a smile
He grinned back at me mischievously
‘And your step dad? what about him?’
I looked at him, ‘ Not my step dad … my dad is doing fine’ I said to him as he looked at me with a big smile on his face and gave me a big hug.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
The cookie in the throat!
I must say I got some valuable comments on my short story and yes they were quite true with regards to the criticism it got. Being a very impatient person, I was more concerned about putting it up for everyone to read and ‘admire’ than to make sure that it was written properly!
Trying to eat a cookie with greed will end up in the cookie getting stuck in the throat! I hope that sentence made some sense – it was a line cooked up by me (smile).
Iam planning to rewrite it later on (the short story)to polish it up meanwhile I need to find the perfect place to sit and write. I love the atmosphere in the coffee shops here but alas I have no time to go there,relax and write something peacefully!
Something might turn up, lets see!
Cheerio
Trying to eat a cookie with greed will end up in the cookie getting stuck in the throat! I hope that sentence made some sense – it was a line cooked up by me (smile).
Iam planning to rewrite it later on (the short story)to polish it up meanwhile I need to find the perfect place to sit and write. I love the atmosphere in the coffee shops here but alas I have no time to go there,relax and write something peacefully!
Something might turn up, lets see!
Cheerio
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Today
I love to see people who are well dressed, am sure everyone of us does!But coming to me, I feel am very bad at it, its not about dressing neatly but about doing it with a taste. While observing people, I feel we can make out on to how many of them did it with a lot of care and 'taste'. Just today, I saw this lady who was dressed so very simple with a plane cream color top and jeans -nothing great,but then she has this beautiful scarf around her neck which matched with her shoes and it looked really cute - for a moment I felt very consious about how I was dressed my, my hair was a big mess and my blood red top made me look fat!! The very smart knows to spend less at the same time dress with style!!
Am trying to write my second short story but am a bit disappointed with no feedbacks whatsoever about my first one. I guess I should shift all the stories to a different blog once there are 'enough' stories..!! :)
cheerio
Am trying to write my second short story but am a bit disappointed with no feedbacks whatsoever about my first one. I guess I should shift all the stories to a different blog once there are 'enough' stories..!! :)
cheerio
Sunday, March 02, 2008
A DANCE IN THE RAIN
OK, I have always wanted to write and I feel its best to start with short stories. I have posted here something I scribbled down when it first struck my mind.... please do leave your comments and yeah I still am and amateur :) , pleeease do remember tht...
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A dance in the rain
Life had cometo a standstill in those very corners of the days that passed by , did not even come to know when it had stopped as I had gone ahead without time to look back ;as ever consumed I was in what I did or in the mad pace to make money …three times I did stop in a melancholy light but even then, unaware I had slipped back into that monotonus routine that today, when I look back into makes me feel ‘dried up’ inside. Which were those three times? One , when I had lost my best friend to suicide… suicide they say , but he was murdered…murdered by that cruel stint of time that never forgives, the devil lives among us and consummates our minds the same way it had convinced him to take his life… he was a happy chap, even when I brooded over my grades at college, he was the light that guided me , made me forget my worries and the fights between my parents at home… look at the rain, have u ever tired dancing in the rain, he used to ask me with that boyish grin of his and as I sat there trying to sort out problems and as the rain rained down titter – tatter splash around us ; he used to do the ‘ moon walk’ , joy rimming on his face as the rain wet his hair and dripped down his clothes.
‘ Hey … can you do that?!’ he used to ask me.
I then snigger at him and he used to smile back but I had loved him as if he were my own brother and everything playful he did, used to bring a smile on my face.
‘ Don’t be too serious in life buddy….’
‘I just don’t want to be a loser in life’, I used to retort back to him
‘Loser? In which way???’
‘In every way….’
‘You can never be a loser … I believe in you , even if you do lose once… god will put those chances in front of you again and again… just that you must be able to recognize and see them’
I used to give him a blank stare…. ‘I hate philosophy.’
And he used to smile back, that same boyish grin.
His death put me in denial …..and for the first time I shouted at my mom as she came to console me as the acceptance of his death from denial to anger was trying to marinate inside me. Why did he do it? He was so happy! And then suddenly I remembered the silence about him for a few days, the lessening of talks…. I had been in a way happy that he was silent as it allowed me to concentrate more on my problems! I was blinded by snobbishness that I did not see his pain…. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most and then I remembered , he did want to talk to me about something… seek my advice and I was too observed in something that I had told him I will speak to him later….I tried not to cry…no I was not going to cry. I felt lonely for the first time in my life. I moved out of my house from my parents even after their constant protests. Till today I do not know the reason behind his suicide…
I forgot time and about life as I struggled to make ends meet and worked part time jobs in a row along with my studies. It helped in a way…it helped me fight from getting covered by a veil of anger and frustration until the day I met her , she who lifted it from me…
The third time I stopped was when she left me… not even a word or a sign, I did not even know it was coming , never knew as I never saw…. I was blinded… by my self indulgence and by my son’s death…. That was the second time…
I remember his little fingers curl around mine the first time, gripping it tight and the sense of protection that washed over me, he is my son !…I remember his little steps, his innocent grin and the way his face used to cringe up when I was not able to make time for him… .. he had that same boyish grin …the same that used to make me smile whatever he said or did anything…and whenever life started getting more tough to go….I never believed in what I saw nor was I an atheist…but I never believed in rebirth…but then somehow seeing him….
‘You are never here, always running around on your business trips, then why is he more attached to you???’
I can still remember my wife asking that with a frown on her face…was she jealous or was she confused? I had a beautiful wife, son and a daughter and money any man can dream of but then still….
I was never able to make time for him, not even when he was breathing his last….when he was run down by some maniac on the road….
I have to speak to you dad, I want you to meet someone, I remember the smile in his voice as it rang over a thousand miles on my phone during our last converstaion… he never complained for the times I was not able to be there for him
I knew I would be a murderer the day I laid eyes on the guy who did this to me…to him…but I never knew who or what he was…they were never able to trace him..
I felt as if I lost a treasure…. I felt a wound reopened… and I walked around indulging myself in more work and letting days pass by me , my wife never spoke to me, I forgot her, I forgot my daughter…. Until one day they both left me without saying a word…
‘I never thought it would make a difference even if we had informed you …’ my wife said…her voice as hard as stone.
‘You never had time…not even when he was there breathing his last…he did not want anyone of us… he wanted to see just you …. You had to be away, if only you had cancelled your trip to stay back for his birthday…’
And she had slammed the phone, not waiting for me to say anything back...
Down the lane, I was informed by mail of my daughters marriage and her pregnancy…she used to write to me regularly… how I forgot her during all those years…. She constantly asked me to come down and visit her… I never did… I do not know why… I did not want to remember it all again… my wife, her accusing look and my own loss of what would have been a perfect family…
And then one fine day, she stopped writing ….. though at first, I took it light…later on,it alarmed me…. Something broke inside of me…. And I wrote back to her… no reply … after much anticipation …, I called up on her cell phone on the number she left me to call her up but which I never touched. No one answered.
I felt something slip inside of me ….
Until two days back when I got a phone call….a lady spoke at the other end, my heart raced up fast….it was a friendly voice, which sounded happy…
‘Dad, its me!!!’
I had stood silent, gripping the phone and not wanting to let go of it ,pushing it against my ears to make sure am hearing it right…
‘Dad…why are you silent?!’
‘Where are you ??’
She was in the city with her husband and kid and my wife…
‘We miss you dad… we are waiting for you …please come and see us…’
‘I … I don’t know ..’ , I fumbled for words…
‘Please daddy, for me…?’
For her… yes, I had never did anything for her, she had been invisible all through out the time she was there with me. And then I remembered the way she used to vainly try to get my attention with her drawings, her self made cards on fathers day which I had given just a single glance ,mumbled a simple ‘ good’ and walked away.
I hated myself that very moment… ‘Where are you?’
She told me and then she added
‘Daddy, I want you to meet someone…’
It was getting cloudy as I got out, so I fetched my umbrella as I walked.
You can never be a loser… I believe in you , even if you do lose once… god will put those chances in front of you again and again… just that you must be able to recognize and see them
I walked along trying to ignore the words that kept constantly ringing in my head… yes this was maybe the last chance that god was giving me…to make up for all the lost time to my daughter..
I was a winner all the way, but a loser when it came to own relationships.. I shook my head and pushed away all the thoughts.
I was greeted at the door by a beautiful lady who was accompanied by a tall, dark handsome guy… my daughter and my son in law. She came and hugged me and cried. My wife stood at the doorway with her son in law, as I came to greet her and tears welled up in her eyes…
‘ I don’t know… I knew this was the right thing to do…we were always empty without you…’
I hugged them both trying hard not to cry.
‘ now daddy, I want you to meet someone really special’ my daughter beamed ‘My son..!’
He was peeping from behind the curtain, big eyes , innocence written all over it.
My heart skipped a beat as my daughter motioned him to come forward . He let go of the curtain and stood there,a short and plumb boy of four and he walked forward, like a doll to his mother before he slowly walked towards me.
I bend down to talk to him
‘Hey there little fellow, do you know who Iam?’
He nodded
I smiled feeling warmth come over me and I felt instant love brimming up for him and suddenly he smiled the same smile, so mistakenly same…
I looked at my daughter and my wife…
‘He resembles our…’ my voice broke off and my wife nodded, a smile on her face as fresh tears popped out of my eyes.
‘Where were you grandpa, we all missed you a lot.’
I wont forget that moment and that day as I felt so many things returned back to me, something that I had lost and never knew how to gain it back…. I took him in my arms and hugged him, not feeling shameful at all for the first time of the tears that kept pouring down my eyes
It started drizzling as the day went forward and as I sat with my grandson on the porch and watching the world outside, for the first time I felt peace creep inside of my heart.
‘Is it ok to play in the rain?’ he asked me, a big question mark hanging on his face.
I looked at him ‘ mom does not allow me…’
‘ you want to play in the rain?’ I asked him grinning
He grinned back as I took his hand and proceeded out of the porch into the garden.
He laughed and jumped with joy as the drizzling rain fell on his face and his laughter joined mine as I felt a heavy load being lifted and taken far- far away as if by miracle. I turned to see my daughter and wife at the door steps looking at us and smiling
You can never be a loser … I believe in you , even if you do lose once… god will put those chances in front of you again and again… just that you must be able to recognize and see them
I was a winner in every other way but a total loser when it came to being there for my loved ones. My friend, my parents, my wife, my daughter, my son…. I wasn’t there in time of crisis for two people I loved the most in my life…my friend and my son..... here iam again with a chance to prove to my loved ones I love them.. my grandson… do I believe in rebirths? I do not know but I know that I feel that mighty presence of someone who had been watching over me all this time…
Life had cometo a standstill in those very corners of the days that passed by , did not even come to know when it had stopped as I had gone ahead without time to look back ;as ever consumed I was in what I did or in the mad pace to make money …three times I did stop in a melancholy light but even then, unaware I had slipped back into that monotonus routine that today, when I look back into makes me feel ‘dried up’ inside. Which were those three times? One , when I had lost my best friend to suicide… suicide they say , but he was murdered…murdered by that cruel stint of time that never forgives, the devil lives among us and consummates our minds the same way it had convinced him to take his life… he was a happy chap, even when I brooded over my grades at college, he was the light that guided me , made me forget my worries and the fights between my parents at home… look at the rain, have u ever tired dancing in the rain, he used to ask me with that boyish grin of his and as I sat there trying to sort out problems and as the rain rained down titter – tatter splash around us ; he used to do the ‘ moon walk’ , joy rimming on his face as the rain wet his hair and dripped down his clothes.
‘ Hey … can you do that?!’ he used to ask me.
I then snigger at him and he used to smile back but I had loved him as if he were my own brother and everything playful he did, used to bring a smile on my face.
‘ Don’t be too serious in life buddy….’
‘I just don’t want to be a loser in life’, I used to retort back to him
‘Loser? In which way???’
‘In every way….’
‘You can never be a loser … I believe in you , even if you do lose once… god will put those chances in front of you again and again… just that you must be able to recognize and see them’
I used to give him a blank stare…. ‘I hate philosophy.’
And he used to smile back, that same boyish grin.
His death put me in denial …..and for the first time I shouted at my mom as she came to console me as the acceptance of his death from denial to anger was trying to marinate inside me. Why did he do it? He was so happy! And then suddenly I remembered the silence about him for a few days, the lessening of talks…. I had been in a way happy that he was silent as it allowed me to concentrate more on my problems! I was blinded by snobbishness that I did not see his pain…. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most and then I remembered , he did want to talk to me about something… seek my advice and I was too observed in something that I had told him I will speak to him later….I tried not to cry…no I was not going to cry. I felt lonely for the first time in my life. I moved out of my house from my parents even after their constant protests. Till today I do not know the reason behind his suicide…
I forgot time and about life as I struggled to make ends meet and worked part time jobs in a row along with my studies. It helped in a way…it helped me fight from getting covered by a veil of anger and frustration until the day I met her , she who lifted it from me…
The third time I stopped was when she left me… not even a word or a sign, I did not even know it was coming , never knew as I never saw…. I was blinded… by my self indulgence and by my son’s death…. That was the second time…
I remember his little fingers curl around mine the first time, gripping it tight and the sense of protection that washed over me, he is my son !…I remember his little steps, his innocent grin and the way his face used to cringe up when I was not able to make time for him… .. he had that same boyish grin …the same that used to make me smile whatever he said or did anything…and whenever life started getting more tough to go….I never believed in what I saw nor was I an atheist…but I never believed in rebirth…but then somehow seeing him….
‘You are never here, always running around on your business trips, then why is he more attached to you???’
I can still remember my wife asking that with a frown on her face…was she jealous or was she confused? I had a beautiful wife, son and a daughter and money any man can dream of but then still….
I was never able to make time for him, not even when he was breathing his last….when he was run down by some maniac on the road….
I have to speak to you dad, I want you to meet someone, I remember the smile in his voice as it rang over a thousand miles on my phone during our last converstaion… he never complained for the times I was not able to be there for him
I knew I would be a murderer the day I laid eyes on the guy who did this to me…to him…but I never knew who or what he was…they were never able to trace him..
I felt as if I lost a treasure…. I felt a wound reopened… and I walked around indulging myself in more work and letting days pass by me , my wife never spoke to me, I forgot her, I forgot my daughter…. Until one day they both left me without saying a word…
‘I never thought it would make a difference even if we had informed you …’ my wife said…her voice as hard as stone.
‘You never had time…not even when he was there breathing his last…he did not want anyone of us… he wanted to see just you …. You had to be away, if only you had cancelled your trip to stay back for his birthday…’
And she had slammed the phone, not waiting for me to say anything back...
Down the lane, I was informed by mail of my daughters marriage and her pregnancy…she used to write to me regularly… how I forgot her during all those years…. She constantly asked me to come down and visit her… I never did… I do not know why… I did not want to remember it all again… my wife, her accusing look and my own loss of what would have been a perfect family…
And then one fine day, she stopped writing ….. though at first, I took it light…later on,it alarmed me…. Something broke inside of me…. And I wrote back to her… no reply … after much anticipation …, I called up on her cell phone on the number she left me to call her up but which I never touched. No one answered.
I felt something slip inside of me ….
Until two days back when I got a phone call….a lady spoke at the other end, my heart raced up fast….it was a friendly voice, which sounded happy…
‘Dad, its me!!!’
I had stood silent, gripping the phone and not wanting to let go of it ,pushing it against my ears to make sure am hearing it right…
‘Dad…why are you silent?!’
‘Where are you ??’
She was in the city with her husband and kid and my wife…
‘We miss you dad… we are waiting for you …please come and see us…’
‘I … I don’t know ..’ , I fumbled for words…
‘Please daddy, for me…?’
For her… yes, I had never did anything for her, she had been invisible all through out the time she was there with me. And then I remembered the way she used to vainly try to get my attention with her drawings, her self made cards on fathers day which I had given just a single glance ,mumbled a simple ‘ good’ and walked away.
I hated myself that very moment… ‘Where are you?’
She told me and then she added
‘Daddy, I want you to meet someone…’
It was getting cloudy as I got out, so I fetched my umbrella as I walked.
You can never be a loser… I believe in you , even if you do lose once… god will put those chances in front of you again and again… just that you must be able to recognize and see them
I walked along trying to ignore the words that kept constantly ringing in my head… yes this was maybe the last chance that god was giving me…to make up for all the lost time to my daughter..
I was a winner all the way, but a loser when it came to own relationships.. I shook my head and pushed away all the thoughts.
I was greeted at the door by a beautiful lady who was accompanied by a tall, dark handsome guy… my daughter and my son in law. She came and hugged me and cried. My wife stood at the doorway with her son in law, as I came to greet her and tears welled up in her eyes…
‘ I don’t know… I knew this was the right thing to do…we were always empty without you…’
I hugged them both trying hard not to cry.
‘ now daddy, I want you to meet someone really special’ my daughter beamed ‘My son..!’
He was peeping from behind the curtain, big eyes , innocence written all over it.
My heart skipped a beat as my daughter motioned him to come forward . He let go of the curtain and stood there,a short and plumb boy of four and he walked forward, like a doll to his mother before he slowly walked towards me.
I bend down to talk to him
‘Hey there little fellow, do you know who Iam?’
He nodded
I smiled feeling warmth come over me and I felt instant love brimming up for him and suddenly he smiled the same smile, so mistakenly same…
I looked at my daughter and my wife…
‘He resembles our…’ my voice broke off and my wife nodded, a smile on her face as fresh tears popped out of my eyes.
‘Where were you grandpa, we all missed you a lot.’
I wont forget that moment and that day as I felt so many things returned back to me, something that I had lost and never knew how to gain it back…. I took him in my arms and hugged him, not feeling shameful at all for the first time of the tears that kept pouring down my eyes
It started drizzling as the day went forward and as I sat with my grandson on the porch and watching the world outside, for the first time I felt peace creep inside of my heart.
‘Is it ok to play in the rain?’ he asked me, a big question mark hanging on his face.
I looked at him ‘ mom does not allow me…’
‘ you want to play in the rain?’ I asked him grinning
He grinned back as I took his hand and proceeded out of the porch into the garden.
He laughed and jumped with joy as the drizzling rain fell on his face and his laughter joined mine as I felt a heavy load being lifted and taken far- far away as if by miracle. I turned to see my daughter and wife at the door steps looking at us and smiling
You can never be a loser … I believe in you , even if you do lose once… god will put those chances in front of you again and again… just that you must be able to recognize and see them
I was a winner in every other way but a total loser when it came to being there for my loved ones. My friend, my parents, my wife, my daughter, my son…. I wasn’t there in time of crisis for two people I loved the most in my life…my friend and my son..... here iam again with a chance to prove to my loved ones I love them.. my grandson… do I believe in rebirths? I do not know but I know that I feel that mighty presence of someone who had been watching over me all this time…
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